Wednesday, April 7, 2010

B's Peeves - Masters Edition

That's right, ladies, I'm back!  Welcome to the second installment of B's Peeves.  After my Olympic level ranting in February, I figured B's Peeves should be a semi-regular event.  Some people suggested weekly or monthly updates, but, truth be told, I'm not really that negative a guy.  I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wife who loves me, and a batch of Pudidn' about ready to come out of the oven. 

So what do I have to complain about?  Here's what:  The Masters

Astute readers will know that The B-Man is a frequent weekend duffer and avid professional golf fan.  And I don't mean I'm a guy who turns on the golf on Sunday afternoon when Tiger or Phil is in contention.  I'm the guy who DVR's golf on Thursdays (I wish I were kidding).  I watch the final rounds of European Tour events live on Golf Channel on Sunday mornings while getting ready for church.  I go to any event that comes within 50 miles of where I'm living.  Serously, I'm a golf fan.  With or without Tiger, I'm a golf fan.  So this week is like my Super Bowl, Final Four, and World Series wrapped into one green-jacketed week of azalea-scented bliss.  However..... there are a few things out there that really grind my gears.  Here goes:

1.  Infidelity

Okay, some guys just can't keep it in their pants.  I get it.  But if that's your issue, you probably know about it before you walk down the aisle.  And if you know you can't keep it in your pants, then just don't bother getting married.  One of the biggest things I learned about marriage is that the next morning, it's still the same two people, it's just legal to share a bed now.  You don't change the minute you get married.  Even with all the metaphor laden "two become one" liturgy of the wedding ceremony, there isn't a unity candle in the world that would have given Tiger Woods the ability to keep it in his pants. 

So now it's Masters week, and instead of hearing about how Phil might carry two drivers or how Eduardo and Francesco Molinari will be the first brother tandem to compete in the same year, I have to listen to 14 hours of coverage on why Elin isn't going to show up this week.  I have to listen to more speculation on whether or not Tiger will "not keep it in his pants" with a member of the banquet staff at the Champions Dinner.  There is NO REASON for TMZ, Access Hollywood, and Entertainment Tonight to have media crews in Augusta this week.  Thanks, Tiger, for bringing the circus to town.  Shouldn't those guys be covering this guy instead?:

Keep it in your pants, Tiger.  There are too many traditions, too many competitive story lines, and too many great players at The Masters for golf fans to worry about this crap.  I'd rather see you like this:

Than like this:

2.  Pimento Cheese Sandwiches

See what Wikipedia has to say about this stuff:

Pimento cheese is a common food in the Southern United States. The recipe for most pimento cheese spreads has few ingredients: sharp cheddar cheese, mayonnaise, pimentos, salt and pepper.[1]

Come on, guys.  That isn't actually food.  These things look absolutely disgusting, and they sell THOUSANDS of them every year at the Masters.  Really?  Is there anyone out there who really wants to spend 16 hours in the sun walking all over a golf course with no sustenance except $6 cans of Michelob Ultra and this?

 No, thanks, I'll have the hot dog at the turn.  Yuck.

3. The NCAA

It's Masters Week, and there really shouldn't be anything else going on around the country.  It's like the Islamic celebration of Ramadan.  They fast, they pray, and they don't do much else during Ramadan.  I don't think the rest of the Sporting world should do anything else either.  But leave it to the geniuses in Indy (NCAA HQ) to schedule the Frozen Four for the same weekend as the Masters.  For the uninitiated, the Frozen Four is the final two rounds of the NCAA Men's Hockey tournament.  This year, it's being held in Detroit on Thursday evening and Saturday night.  

Astute readers of this blog will also know that I attended Miami University in Oxford, Ohio (DO NOT call it "Miami of Ohio" - we were a school when Florida still belonged to Spain).  Since this year's Frozen 4 is in Detroit, just a few hours from our Grand Rapids headquarters, Mrs UNP bought me tickets for my birthday back in February, anticipating a return trip to the finals for MU's top-ranked Redhawks

Now that Miami is in the Semis on Thursday night (8et on ESPN), my buddies and I are ecstatic that MU is just two wins away (Boston College on Thursday and the winner of Wisconsin vs RIT on Saturday) from its first ever national title in any sport.  I'm a bit torn, however, in that I will have to miss Saturday's ENTIRE golf coverage.  I will be home Sunday morning early, though, so I can catch up on the situation, tee times, and scenarios in order to set the table for final round coverage.

So thanks, NCAA, for screwing up my schedule.  But if I can wake up next Monday with a National Championship and an exciting finish to The Masters, I'll be a happy camper.

4.  I'm Not There

At the end of the day, the biggest reason I'm peeved about the Masters is that I'm not there.  My 16 handicap won't quite get me in as a player, and tickets are not bought but inherited, so my chances of seeing this

Or this:

Are about slim to none.  

So that's pretty much all that's Peeve-ing me right now.  I know this is only 4 things, so I promise my World Cup edition (coming in June) will have 6 to make up for how I've slighted you all.  I could make a list of about a hundred things I love about the Masters, so coming up with 4 I don't like was even a little tough.  

That said, here are my picks with a (very) little commentary for this weekend's outcome

     Tiger Woods.  Any time he's in the field, he's the favorite

     Steve Stricker - Cheese Head quietly soared to #2 in the world last year
     Ernie Els - Two wins already this year and wants one at Augusta really bad
     Henrik Stenson - Big hitting Swede will make the back nine look like a putt-putt course.  Won at The Players last year and loves the big stage

Surprising Top 20 Finishes:

     Martin Kaymer - German recently jumped into Top 10 of World Golf Rankings

     Rory McIlroy - This kid is the real deal.  Contends anywhere he plays and is fearless
Dark Horse:

     David Duval - On the comeback trail and only in the field as a result of a T-2 finish at the British Open last year


  1. All of this is so true! I love the Masters and can't wait to watch this week.

  2. Haha... I love it... and I am so tired of hearing about Tiger's infidelity, and Jesse James' for that matter... the reason I'm tired of it is because of their poor wives. I mean these people watch TV, they occasionaly go past a news stand or into a grocery store, or visit a website...

    The feeling of being cheated on is terrible, but add to that the constant photos of you, your cheating spouse, and any random thing he may have cheated on being plastered everywhere you go... it's got to be the worst feeling ever! Poor girls!

    In the meantime, I hope Tiger falls flat on his face.... drops at least three balls into a water hazard and spends 70% of his time hitting out of the rough... that guy doesn't deserve for anything to go easily or as planned this week.... hhhmmmphhh....

  3. This post makes me laugh, but I have to disagree about one point- Pimento cheese. It must be a southern thing, but man do I love it. Not the kind in the tub in the grocery store, but the real thing- homemade! Mmmm.... And it's even better on crackers. Seriously, give some real Southern pimento cheese a shot!

  4. I could care less about Tiger Woods. His life, and personally I don't want to hear about it. Sucks that the other golfers have to deal with the shit show. It does make me laugh that he slept with an unfortunate looking Perkin's waitress.

  5. You are very funny! I went to Miami and am thrilled to be going to the Frozen Four! You won't regret it!

  6. B, can I get an amen on #1!? Amen.

    But, my friend, pimento cheese!? Have you ever had it? I mean, the real stuff? Yum. AND, beers are cheap at the Masters. Everything is really cheap. And homemade. And Southern. And, it's perfect. :)

    And, I love that David Duval is back.

  7. Blair- you are just too much! please keep 'em coming. for the record, those sandwiches look just awful- I have an aunt and uncle who have attended many times and food is pretty much their best friend and even they don't understand why people eat them (yet, they always do...).

    and the fun fact of the day- Steve Stricker plays at both of my home courses- his wife was my first babysitter (Nicki can moonwalk like none other) and I was the lifeguard that taught their oldest daughter to swim. SS is really as wholesome and All American nice as they come!


  8. When I heard Tiger was going to play in The Masters, I immediately thought of the poor PR and events people surrounding involved with the tournament and Augusta. What a complete pain this must be for them. The circus is exactly what came to my mind as well. And, being a southern gal, I have to say I do love pimento cheese finger sandwiches. Perfect for a luncheon, not so sure about toting them around on the course, though. Just swig a few juleps and nothing else matters. :)

  9. Oh Mr. B, what a fabulous litany of slights, we are in sync with most of them... but must disagree on the pimento sammiches (as someone here refers to them), they really are a yummy sort of food. :)

    We love it when you post, you are such a *good* writer! May you two have a wonderful Grand Rapids weekend!


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