Let's chat, shall we?

Feelings I've been feeling lately:

Guilty
Overwhelmed
Nervous
Scared
Burdened
Aching
Worried

Are these all about the arrival of Pud?  Actually, not really at all.  It's more about what I haven't shared here than what I have.

We moved here for my new job in December.  Both of us had wanted to move to Michigan for numerous reasons, this job presented itself, and it was pretty much a dream job for me.  However, we knew B would have to leave his company in order to move.  We thought he would be able to do his job from home for awhile, however that did not work out at all, and he has been unemployed since December.  We also thought that with his experience, his MBA, his great recommendations, and his love for his field, it wouldn't be all that difficult to find something for him.  (Yes, we knew we were in the middle of a recession and moving to one of the worst economies in the nation; however we were still obviously quite naive about what that truly meant.)

I feel guilty so often because, even though we really did come to this decision as a couple, it was truly my desire for this job that led us here.  B has never once blamed me in any way, shape, or form, but I still feel that essentially it is my fault he is not working.  He LOVES work- loves his field (logistics, supply chain), loves feeling productive, loves being praised for a job well done, loves getting up in the morning and having a structured day, loves coming home at the end of the day feeling fulfilled.  I understand this as I love my job as well, however, it is obviously much harder on a man in our society to be "home" while the wife is working.  No, it is not 1957, but it's stil not easy. 

I'm often overwhelmed because my job is new, I'm working incredibly long hours, and I don't feel that I have the time I need to complete all the things I want to do.  B is great at getting all the house stuff done, grocery shopping, running errands, etc but I like doing some of that and I feel bad making lists for him of things that I need done.  While I always did that for him in Chicago when I would have mid-week days off, it's very difficulty for me to reverse roles.  I definitely feel I need more hours in the day or my body needs to require less sleep.  I'm guessing neither of those is going to happen anytime soon.

We're both nervous about how things will go financially once Pud arrives.  With my new job, we are having no problems paying for the mortgage, bills, etc.  Plus, B is able to collect some $$ from unemployment.  However, diapers, baby clothes, co-pays at the doctor, a college account, and other things we don't even know about yet can add up quickly, and it may become a little difficult to figure out how to do all that.  We have always been careful with our money and still have a healthy savings acct (even after the purchase of the house), but I do not like to dip into that for unnecessary things, so what's the line on unecessary?

Still scared over the idea of giving birth.  I'm getting MUCH better about this (thanks for all of your amazing comments on that post- it really, really helped.  I've definitely gone back and read them all a time or three!), but the fear of the unknown is still there.

I'm feeling burdened by being the "sole breadwinner" in the family.  I have prayed and prayed over this a lot and have truly realized that God really wants me to realize how hard it must be for anyone to feel sole responsibility in a marriage.  I have quite a few friends who stay at home and have always thought that this would be so wonderful and truly a goal in life.  However, I never once thought about it from the man's perspective and how hard it must be to know that you are everything your family is relying on.  College education, mortgage, clothes for everyone, groceries, bills, car payments, vacations, etc.  I now know that it is very difficult to feel confidently "above water" when just one thing (like not getting paid for maternity leave as in our situation) can potentially tip you from doing really well to having to worry a lot more.  This whole concept has definitely made me realize that working even a few days a week in order to have a cushion is whole-heartedly worth it.  If you are one of the truly lucky women who gets to stay home with your babies, children, and teens, please remember to thank your husband and God for that opportunity.  It's an amazing blessing.  It also is a huge blessing to me to know that while this is currently how I am feeling, it will change as soon as B starts working, and the burden will be lifted off my shoulders and placed on both of us equally.  I do have to say that those thoughts really do help me get through some of my harder days.

My heart is  aching over the thought that I will not be able to take all 12 weeks of time off with Pud when he/she arrives.  Due to our current status, I will more than likely going back after 6 weeks, but potentially getting to stay home for 9.  We could use our savings in order to supplement a full 12 weeks off, but that seems selfish and I just can't do that.  I do have a hard time with the idea that I will be leaving this little, tiny, helpess infant and going back to work just for a paycheck, but really, it's my responsibility as a parent to ensure that Pud has all the essentials (house, food, clothing) and that paycheck will pay for those.  The only blessing here is that B will be home with the babe, so I won't have to drop it off at daycare at week 6.  I would NEVER be able to make it to work that day if I did.  B will take as good of care of it as I would, so I know it will be safe, happy, and thoroughly loved the entire time I am gone.  (I do worry about it loving him more than me, but that's a worry for another day). 

I also worry because I know B never wanted (or truly ever considered) being a stay at home dad, and I fear that he will resent and blame either me or Pud for all that is happening.  Truly, he is an amazing man, and I don't anticipate this happening b/c this is not in his character, but it's still a nagging thought in the back of my head.  I just pray he falls head over heels for this little one and that being a dad is enough to make him happy until he is able to find a job. 

Whoa, writing this has been cathartic, but writing about all this has also been one of the more difficult things I have done.  It's hard to write about things that aren't good or fluffy.  But since I'm way pregnant and not able to fund my dream summer wardrobe (and who knows what size I'll be anyway), fluffy is hard right now.  Thanks for letting me get all this out.  Please don't feel like I am asking for crazy amounts of sympathy- I still do realize that I am incredibly lucky in so many areas of my life.  I just really, really wish that B could feel less frustrated with his job search and fulfilled professionally. 

PS- If any of you knows anyone in Michigan who needs an amazing project manager, supply chain/logistics consultant, or any combination of transportation management- you know where to find a very handsome and highly qualified one :)  Or, even if the job is in another state and would let him work from home with up to 80% travel, we'd be okay with that too!!